Why I Throw The #MiddleFingersUp

And You Should Too

Let’s be honest. 2020 sucks. For me. For you. For the entire world.

This first half of the year was hell. Absolute hell. Let me explain.

January

• I was working sixteen-hour days. I had to plan fifty events across Texas over the next two and a half months.
• I was unexpectedly told by my roommate that my boyfriend and I had to move out in three weeks. So I ended up staying at an Airbnb until I could figure things out.

February

• My boyfriend Oppenheimer, decided to go on a break with me the day after Valentine's Day.
• Two weeks later, Oppenheimer breaks up with me over text while he is on vacation.
• That night, I reacted without thinking and I tried to hang myself.

Coincidentally, that is also the same night the first coronavirus case was detected.

• Then the next day, I was submitted to a mental facility for two weeks.

As someone with Borderline Personality Disorder, these last few years have been a struggle to maintain my sanity. In 2019, I attempted three times to kill myself. After this fourth time, I finally accepted that I needed to seek professional help.

March

• After two weeks, I left the mental hospital only to discover the world has completely been turned upside down.

COVID-19 had taken over the world.

Restaurants are closed. There are lines to get into the grocery stores. Everyone is wearing a mask. People are dying. People are losing their jobs. Countries have built walls. We can no longer travel. We can no longer be near each other.

• Due to all of these new changes in my life, I end up living with my mom and I begin intensive outpatient therapy for the next seven weeks.

April

• I discover that while I was in the mental hospital, Oppenheimer had immediately moved back to the house we were originally living.

Oppenheimer now lives just around the corner from my mother’s apartment. To this day, he refuses to see me.

• I was told that my Aunt has terminal cancer.
• I nearly killed a family that lived in the apartment above my garage because I thoughtlessly left the car turned on. In fear of dying of carbon monoxide, the family called the fire department. While I was sleeping, firefighters arrived in the middle of the night to break down my garage and turn the car off.

May

• I discovered over Memorial Weekend that after a week of breaking up with me, Oppenheimer had left me for his coworker, Ghaddar. For a year and a half, Ghaddar sat right next to him in the office.
• After confronting Oppenheimer about this, he reveals that he had always thought of Ghaddar while he was with me.
• George Floyd protests have erupted across the United States and more people are dying, fighting, and finally questioning the corrupt system that we live in.

June

• My Aunt dies and I am unable to attend the funeral due to COVID-19.

July

• Oppenheimer further taunts me by sending a photo of him and Ghaddar kissing.
• I hear my Uncle is dying.
• I find out my ten-year-old Shih-Tzu, Daisy, may have cancer.

Seriously. FUCK. 2020.

But

I have come to see that there are silver linings.

I am proud to say that I made beauty from this chaos.

And I hope you do too.

This year I experienced a profound self-awakening. Thanks to quarantine, I am now more in tune with myself than I have ever been before.

I no longer feel lost. I no longer feel hopeless. I now know that life is worth living. I am not alone. I reconnected with old friends and I have made new friends through therapy. New friends that understand what it’s like to struggle with mental illness. I am closer to my family and my coworkers. Everyone that knows me and truly loves me, accepts me for me. They don’t judge me for what I have gone through. They don’t judge me for the bad things I have done in my past. They all recognize that I am simply a human being with flaws.

I have learned the value of self-care and self-compassion. Instead of burying my problems with drugs and alcohol, I have found healthier coping skills. I am talking more about my problems. Since outpatient therapy, I have been in one on one therapy every single week. I am refraining from drugs and drinking too much alcohol. I want a clear mind so that I can work on all my future goals and aspirations in life.

I have focused on self-improvement. I lost fourteen pounds. I have focused on doing well at my job while also learning to walk away from work by 6PM. I am learning the importance of setting boundaries. Instead of always saying yes, I am learning to say no. I bought myself a new moped. I bought a ticket to Hawaii to see my best friend. I began saving money. I began investing in stocks. I started enjoying nature. I redecorated my room.

And I wrote a book.

Out of everything that has happened this year, I rediscovered my love for writing. It is my saving grace. Since being at the mental hospital, I have written every detail that has happened. The conversations I had with other patients, the lessons I have learned in therapy, my experience in navigating the pandemic, and learning how to heal were all written down.

Everything was documented, edited, and turned into my memoir titled, Heartbreak In The Time of Coronavirus. Anyone who has read my story has told me they relate. They feel what I feel. They have been through similar situations as me. They learn from my experience. They are thankful that someone has spoken out about mental health during this time. Hearing this continues to motivate me.

Since the beginning of 2020, I have told my stories so many times to so many people. Nurses. Doctors. Therapists. Patients. Friends. Family. Coworkers. Strangers.

I had a breakdown. I had hit rock bottom. And I am not ashamed to admit it. I have nothing to hide. I want everyone to know my life is not picture perfect.

It never was and it never will be.

So I turned my Instagram photos into a gallery of me throwing the #middlerfingersup. If I was at a restaurant, in a store, in my bedroom, on a hike, by the pool, or with my friends, there were countless photos of me flipping everyone and everything off.

I’ll be honest. When I first began this experiment, a lot of my followers raised concerns. This was not my usual behavior. In every photo prior, I was smiling, showing off pictures of my travels, my boyfriend, and my lucrative career. But this was my personal movement. For some reason by doing this, I felt empowered. I wanted to look exactly how I felt. Fuck 2020. Fuck all the bad. We are living in a time of madness. I was hurting. You are hurting. Fuck all of it.

Instead, be strong. Be raw. Be honest. Speak your truth. Speak your mind. Get off Netflix and push yourself. It’s liberating.

Throw those middle fingers up.

Quit trying to be perfect. Expose who you really are. Don’t care what anyone else thinks. Don’t care if the world thinks you are crazy. Don’t care if someone thinks you are pretty. Don’t care if someone hates you. Don’t be scared to scream against the sheep.

These are actions that make people remembered. These are the people that go down in history.

Break those walls and feel free. All that matters is that you love yourself. Use this time to care for yourself. Accomplish something you have always wanted to do. This is a year of transformation. The world is changing. Everything is changing. Change yourself for the best.

If I can do it, you can do it. As cliche, as it sounds, going through hell, has made me stronger. I never thought I could ever be in a place where I could smile once more. I never thought I could get over heartbreak. I never thought I would ever see tomorrow.

I am the most single I have ever been and that’s okay. My mind is finally clear. I’m not searching for love right now. I need to fix myself first before I can ever share my life with another human being again. This indescribable feeling of pain and co-dependency on others has been slowly lifting off my shoulders. Finding hope once more was the biggest blessing bestowed upon me.

We are halfway through 2020. There’s still time to use this quarantine to turn your life around.

So throw your middle fingers up and fight against this darkness.

Liliana Katherine Morrison is the author of, Heartbreak In The Time of Coronavirus.

To learn more, follow Liliana Katherine Morrison on Social Media or visit her Website.