Dangerously Vindictive

When do I stop seeking revenge?

“Eye for an eye. Tooth for a tooth. Tit for tat.”

For centuries, retribution was an innate sense of survival among tribes, villages, and countries. The notion of “getting even” has been glamourized in thousands of films, songs, and literature. Is it that surprising as humans, searching for revenge can be a natural instinct?

Growing up, I was raised by a mother who taught me to fight. Not physically. But mentally. When my mother felt she had been wronged, she would immediately become defensive and hit harder. If you did something out of line, she would instantly sue you. I grew up to be very similar.

It’s strange, upon the first impression, most strangers who meet me assume I am one of the nicest people in the world. Even though I’m in my thirties, I look very young for my age, I’m short, I’m laughing and I’m smiling.

But I know that I am no angel.

I am not the protagonist in my own story nor am I the antagonist.

I am simply a flawed human being.

Sometimes, it’s just difficult for me to let things go. As someone that has Borderline Personality Disorder, I struggle when to know I should take the high route versus when I should fight back against what I think is unjust.

I have spent all of 2020 striving to be a better person. Trying to be zen. Trying my best to remain calm in stressful situations. Trying to stop and give the situation twenty-four hours to see if I feel any differently. In March 2020, I had a breakdown after a very bad breakup and was placed in a mental hospital for two weeks. I called this mental facility, The Heartbreak Hospital. After I left the heartbreak hospital, I spent seven weeks of intensive outpatient therapy. Ever since I have been seeing a one on one therapist every week for months. This entire experience was documented in my recent memoir, Heartbreak In The Time of Coronavirus. I wrote this because it was my only coping skill at the time. It healed me. It saved me.

Actually, it still is my biggest coping skill. Otherwise, I wouldn’t be writing this blog.

I am no longer suicidal. I am back to being productive. I am laughing. I am living. I have found myself again. But now, I need to begin focusing on the real issues. My therapist Betsy, has recently begun talking to me about the subject of vindictiveness. “Being angry can be healthy. But it’s not always healthy to be vindictive,” she said. I’m not always a spiteful person but when I am, I tend to take this feeling to the max.

In my eyes, my vindictiveness is my shield. A suit of armor. If I get my revenge or if I have my last say, then I feel as though nothing they do can no longer hurt me. Then I stop punishing them. I let it go. I actually feel better. Typically, I have no regrets in doing this. I am satisfied.

But sometimes, I can be vindictive for no reason at all. And usually, I find that I can be the most vindictive to those closest to me. My mother. My partner. Something they do, something they say, or something that popped into my mind, would make me flip a switch. When I was dating my ex-boyfriend Oppenheimer, we would be completely silent, then I would think of a moment where he once told me about one of his past lovers. Out of nowhere, I would randomly become irritated and make a cutting comment at him for no reason. He would never understand why I would suddenly become so outraged. Those are the moments I regret. In doing this, I have ruined many of my past relationships.

It’s a fine line. I recognize this is a problem. But also, I want to maintain my ability to fight. To speak up for myself. To let others know what they did was not okay.

How can I find that balance? How can I fight that impulsive need to want to immediately hurt someone with my words? How can I stop and think before I talk? How do I communicate normally without being so brash?

Revenge and forgiveness. They are two sides of the same coin.

How can I be better at forgetting and forgiving?

I never really knew it was possible to calmly communicate with others until I dated Oppenheimer. Most times, he was almost always able to control his emotions. It dumbfounded me how calm he could be after someone offended him. Me on the other hand, I needed a bitch check once in a while.

Over Memorial Weekend, I unexpectedly found out that Oppenheimer had shortly left me for his colleague, Ghaddar soon after I departed the heartbreak hospital. I was livid. Since March, I had spent months trying to get my head in a good place. Then I found myself sucked back into the everlasting drama between me and my ex-boyfriend.

After I confronted him about these turn of events, I was determined to punish both of them. I hadn’t spoken to him for months and when I did he was unapologetically vicious. I was mad at the principal of what he did. He was never once honest with me about Ghaddar. So I fell asleep. Woke up the next morning and I still found myself infuriated by what he had done. His words kept ringing through my head. After we broke up, he kept insisting, “There is no one else. I am not looking to be in a relationship right now. I need to be alone.” But apparently there was someone else this entire time.

In retaliation, I pushed hard. I made a fake Instagram account then I posted a letter to Ghaddar where I explained she would always reign in my shadow and anything they did together, we had already done it. Any place they fuck, I had already fucked him there. Then, I tagged a photo of Oppenheimer and me having sex. (Nothing explicit was shown so it wasn’t illegal.)

Hurtful words were suddenly exchanged back and forth between me and Oppenheimer. He accused me of raping him. He said he never loved me. He said he always thought of Ghaddar when we had sex. I never responded except by sending photos and text messages to Ghaddar that proved contrary to his statements. The next day, I assumed we were done talking but then, I received from an unknown number a photo of Ghaddar standing next to a fancy car. Why on earth would I care about this? It’s just her and a stupid car. In retrospect, this was a harmless photo.

Later that night, I happened to be at a friend’s birthday party where her friend surprised her with a male stripper. I took advantage of this and took a photo of me giving the middle finger while holding one of the largest penises I had ever seen then sent it to Oppenheimer from someone else’s phone. Once again, I hit harder. No more responses. I was done being vindictive.

That day, I thought it was officially over. I thought, now I can move on with my life, and he can move on with his. I felt better and I had no regrets in wanting to punish Oppenheimer. I wanted to close the door.

Wish him happiness. Wish me happiness. If I keep blaming him and punishing him, then I’m never going to get any better.

For two months, I stayed silent with my head down. I was able to focus on my book, myself, my work, my friends, and my life. Then coincidentally, the day after I published my book, I stepped out of the shower and saw a text from an unknown number. This time, it was a photo of Oppenheimer and Ghaddar kissing. I felt nothing. The only thought I had was that we once looked that happy together. But why is he still trying to push me?

It was okay. I still had my suit of armor. Oppenheimer and Ghaddar could send me a sex video of them having an orgy for all I cared. Knowing that my book was out there, written forever in history, ultimately gave me the last laugh. I admit, in my book, Heartbreak In The Time of Coronavirus concluded with an element of vindictiveness. But that’s not what the Heartbreak In The Time of Coronavirus is entirely about. It’s about mental health. It’s about finding myself. It’s about relationships. It’s about borderline personality disorder. If I didn’t show my side of vindictiveness in this book, I wouldn’t have stayed true to who I am.

I never responded to Oppenheimer except inadvertently. On Instagram, I posted a black and white photo of me wearing a black masquerade mask and silky black lingerie. I sat in my chair looking like a queen holding a black whip. My friend with foot benefits had recently taken professional photos of me. In my caption, I posted, “Fucking Amateurs.” Oppenheimer and Ghaddar were unable to see my Instagram. But all of his friends still followed me. I knew anything I did, it would get back to Oppenheimer.

Should I have taken the high route in this situation? Should I have let this go? Or do I stand up for myself? Do I fight?

Doing this honestly made me feel fine. I was happy. I went on with my day. If vindictiveness ultimately means I can keep my sanity, then is it really that bad to be revengeful? This is the fine line I walk across. I don’t want to unnecessarily be vengeful for the wrong reasons. I want to be vengeful for the right ones.

I need to work on really controlling my thoughts. I need to know when I need to walk away. It’s not healthy for me to be fixated on blaming someone for the error of their ways. For now, if a major issue suddenly comes up in my life, my vow to myself is to wait a few days to see if I feel any differently. If I still wake up feeling outraged and wanting to act upon my fantasies of revenge, then I stop and think if being vindictive is worth it.

Will this really make me any happier? Will I lose any karma points in doing this? Do they really need to be punished?

I have learned this past year that most times, I find it’s no longer a big deal to me. I can make peace in whatever happened. I can see the bigger picture. If I want to return to being the nice person I once was, this is the path. If I ever want to be in a healthy relationship, I have to try and let go of this fire inside me.

I just don’t want that fire to completely go out.